Mommy's Pen

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Bedtime, Johnny Cash Style

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Bedtime, you’ve been living hell to me.
You’ve busted me ever since this child turned three.
I’ve seen her stall and I’ve seen her cry.
Every night I keep asking why.

Bedtime, I hate every minute of you.
You’ve cut me and you’ve scarred me through and through
And I’ll walk out a wiser, weaker woman;
Little Miss Toddler, you can’t understand.

Bedtime, there is so much good you could do
Do you think she’ll be sleeping when we’re through?
You bend my heart and mind and you warp my soul,
her desperate pleas turn my blood a little cold.

Bedtime, may you rot and burn in hell.
May this child sleep and may I live to tell.
May all the screaming not reach the neighborhood.
And may all my reasoning one day do some good.

Bedtime, I hate every minute of you.

If there is no music running through your head as you read this, click here.

Chicken Cheeks

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DRAMATIS PERSONAE

SUE The mother

BEN The father

NORA The toddler

SCENE   In the car. NORA sits in her car seat, holding a nearly dried up marker.  BEN and SUE are chatting as BEN drives.  NORA catches their attention.

NORA   I’m drawing a chicken on my cheek.  I’m drawing Sally Turtle.

SUE [turning around in seat]   Nora, you can’t draw on your face.  I have to take the marker away. [Pries marker out of NORA’s hand.]

NORA   No!  I need my marker!

BEN   Good for you, Sue.  Good follow through.

SUE [to NORA]   We don’t draw on our skin.  You can have your marker back later.

[BEN and SUE resume chatting.]

NORA [interrupting]   Mommy, can I have my marker back?

SUE   Why did I take it away?

NORA   Because I drew a chicken on my cheek.

SUE   Why do you need it back?

NORA   To draw a rooster on my other cheek.

[Fade out]

Birthday Interview

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A few notes, for posterity:

  • Nora had no prior knowledge of the questions.  This is the first and only take.
  • To my knowledge, Nora has never eaten a marshmallow.  A few hours after this was recorded, she asked me, “What’s a marshmallow?”
  • I have no clue what she means by liking when “hippos get meat.”
  • Those who know Nora will be shocked that Otto is not among her list of friends.  I was a bit shocked, too.  I believe it’s due to the fact that she just moved to a new classroom.  Otto is a few weeks younger, so he has not yet joined her.  When I asked for her friends at school, she was being quite literal and only listing kids in her class.
  • She is not wearing pants or underwear.  I had to throw a shirt on her for the interview.
  • Nora loves watching herself.  Everytime I make a video, she stops what she’s doing whatever it was I wanted to film and asks to see the video I have just started making.  She wants me to be done with the questioning, because I told her before we started that she couldn’t see the video until I was done asking all the questions.