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Parenting Styles

Soccer Dad

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The first Tuesday of the month is Parent Council night at Nora’s school. Did I mention I am the proud Parent Council Representative for the Cherry Blossom Kindergarten?  I can’t imagine you are surprised.

This means Ben and Nora are on their own that night.  I take off after dinner and they play, have stories and bedtime.  This last Tuesday, Nora wanted to go in the backyard and kick the soccer ball around.

Though I had a productive weekend and paid a neighbor kid to mow the front yard, the back yard is still overgrown (stupid rain brought the grass back to life). 

As I was getting ready to leave, I looked out a back window and saw this:

Ben had carved a soccer field out of the wilderness and painted lines.  It’s not exactly regulation, but it’s not just “kicking a ball around.”

Dads are so damn cool.

Attachment

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If my daughter were my boyfriend, I would have taken out a restraining order long ago. 

“Your honor,” I would say, “He wants me to do everything for him, I end up with a fat lip or a black eye every few months.   He never wants me to have any alone time.  He’s so bossy and controlling; he won’t even let me go to the bathroom by myself.”  Signed, sealed, delivered.  Don’t come within 1000 feet.

Behavior that would be universally intolerable in an adult is just right for a toddler.  Though sometimes it can feel like too much (particularly when I want to get something done at an adult pace), I know we’ve done something right when Nora can’t get enough of me.  And yes, for the time being, it’s me she wants most.  (I am looking forward to the “Daddy’s girl” phase, so I can take a shower with the door closed.)

To a large degree, we followed the tenets of attachment parenting.  We were into baby wearing, co-sleeping and breastfeeding.  We use positive discipline techniques, we respond to tantrums as compassionately as possible.  Nora knows she is safe with us and that we respect her as an individual.  I love parenting like this.  I am linked to Nora in a way I’ve never been linked to anyone before and I am proud that our parenting approach is designed to do right by her.

This morning, we were in the “family friendly” check-out line at the grocery store.  There was a woman ahead of us with two kids, one little girl a bit older than Nora and a little boy about seven months old.  She was burnt.  She face was without affect.  The only words she spoke to her kids were commands, sit down, stand-up, walk on your own.  All three were miserable. 

In contrast, our family was happy and relaxed.  Nora had memorized part of the grocery list and was sitting in the cart, making sure we remembered everything.  She asked to put her nail polish on the conveyor belt, and I explained that we needed to wait until there was more room in front of us, so she could reach.  She nodded and waited patiently.  When all of the items were unloaded, I plucked her out of the cart and snuggled her while Ben paid the bill.  I gave her the option of walking or being carried to the car, she chose to be carried.  We passed aisles and aisles of tempting goods on the way to the car, she begged for nothing.

I’m not trying to brag about our mad parenting skills, I’m trying to demonstrate the difference in attitude between the Ben and I and the mother in front of us.  Granted, she could just be having a bad day, we’re all entitled to those.    But the message those children were getting was that they were a burden to be dealt with, not people to be respected.  Right now, there are thousands upon thousands of children getting that same message.  My heart breaks, and I reach for my girl.

Plan for Your Vulnerabilties

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I want everyone to like me. This means, I am sometimes too nice.  I am a push-over.  I give my toddler a choice between a red shirt and a blue shirt, she refuses.  I offer her a pink dress.  Big mistake.  My girl is a Taurus.  If I don’t develop a spine, that little bull is going to trample me.  Then nobody wins.
Thankfully, I am aware of this parental vulnerability. I work to combat it.  I read and re-read books and articles on how and why to set limits. (Book Recommendation: No: Why Kids–of All Ages–Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It by David Walsh.)  I have asked my husband to tactfully point out when I waffle.  In fact, he set a challenge for me today. Nora and I need to be waiting in the daycare parking lot by the time he pulls up to drive us home.  Yesterday, I tried to pick my daughter up from school.  I didn’t rush her out the door, as she was happily playing and we were waiting for my husband, but when it was time to go, she ignored me. Then my husband came in and we were out the door in about forty-five seconds.  He wasn’t mean, there were no tears, only brief resistance.  Nora knew he meant business and I didn’t. 
Thankfully, my husband’s vulnerabilites and my own are complimentary.  If I am the push-over, he leans toward over-enforcement.  As long as we are both willing to work on our weaknesses, we are in a perfect position to assist one another.  There was one week where it was my job to be the heavy.  Whenever he was tempted to correct our daughter, he told me about it, and I had to do it.  It was a good exercise for both of us, and allowed him some pure play time with Nora.  Afterwards, I was better at enforcing limits and he was able to let go of some rules that weren’t serving us.
It’s worth questioning your default parenting style, and making sure it’s aligned with your parenting goals.  If you find an area where you’re vulnerable, take the extra step and make a plan that will strengthen you as a parent.