Mommy's Pen

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The “Love Mist” and Other Phases

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It turns out Nora has been walking around in a “love mist” for her entire life (well, since she could walk, anyway.) This makes perfect sense to me.

Tuesday night was my parent council meeting at Nora’s Waldorf school. The sixth grade teacher gave us the “underground” Waldorf education lecture. Which means it was her take on Waldorf education’s take on child development and how our school meets the changing needs of our children. Now your going to get my version of her version.

The first thing she talked about was the “love mist.” Picture your standard preschooler. She wanders around with a far off look in her eye. She loves faeries, princesses and anything magical. She wants hugs and snuggles and will invent new ways of saying I love you and new ways of making sure she knows you love her. Our job as adults during this phase, which ends around six years old, is to keep her firmly ensconced in that love mist. She needs simple, comforting explanations of the world: bread rises because it’s magical, the stars shine for you. She doesn’t need to know about the uglier aspects. The message should be she’s loved and the whole world is there to support her.

At four-years-old, Nora is definitely still in the love mist. But occasionally, the mist clears and she sees the world. That’s the next phase: entering the world. It usually happens around six. Children will want to see, explore and touch everything real. They want to dig in the dirt, feed the chickens, make a pie. It’s the adults’ job to show them the wonders of the world, but still withhold the ugliest parts.

At about nine-years-old there is another change. After a few years of being in the world, it becomes their world. They see that they are distinct from other people — they may worry that they are alone. Adults must support them and try to keep them calm and secure through the change. It can be a difficult time for parents, as your child is pulling away for the first time. The child is also trying on new personalities before assembling the pieces of their personality. She may be an angel at school and a snarling devil at home. Keep calm and carry on. This is the age when the begin to understand the mechanics of their world as well — for example, bread doesn’t rise unless you remember to put enough yeast in it.

Middle schoolers are ready to learn about the imperfections of the world. They are fascinated by science; they want to be shown everything. And they are unlikely to take anybody’s word for anything. They are realizing that the world might need them, and are incredibly excited by the prospect.

And all of these children co-exist in our school. They are all supported and nurtured through whatever phase they are in. Every teacher is committed to putting kids on a solid foundation and supporting their growth as individuals — and supplying facts and figures in a way they can absorb based on where they are developmentally.

And the thought of that? Puts me right back in the love mist.

Decisions that Keep You Up at Night

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Parenting is fraught with big decisions. Some of the thorniest: Work or stay home? Public or private school? Only one child or more?

The night before I returned to work, when my daughter was three months old, I woke up to find myself sobbing. It was a very rough transition. There were a few things that made me feel better. We had found a daycare that was only two blocks from my office, so I could visit Nora and breastfeed her at lunch time. Most helpfully, a friend reminded me that this didn’t have to be a permanent decision. Going back to work now didn’t mean I couldn’t change my mind later. Another comforting thought was that Nora may have an easier adjustment as an infant, rather than if I waited a year and she was used to having me home.

I was lucky to have an understanding employer and some flexibility in my schedule. If we had a grueling, sleepless night, I went in late. If Nora was sick, I stayed home. I went back part-time for the first few months, then worked thirty-six hours a week instead of forty; allowing me to have every Friday off.

It’s hard to say how things would have turned out if we’d made the decision for me to stay home. I know I’ve missed many special moments, and that is the worst of it. But Nora has had some advantages being in daycare since infancy; she is very social, has a strong immune system, and thrives in a routine driven environment. My bond with her is the strongest I have ever known, I don’t feel it’s been weakened by working.

If I had my druthers, I would work part-time. But, we don’t live in perfect world. No one is going to pay me my current wage and benefits for working three days a week. And there’s security to consider. If something happens and my husband can’t work, I won’t be scrambling to find a job with a stale skill set. With two incomes, we can save for education, retirement and emergencies. Reasonable people can disagree on this issue, but every family has to decide for itself.

Right now, we are in the midst of another big decision, and one I thought would be easy. We are in the admissions process for Nora to attend a Waldorf preschool, with the intent of continuing with Waldorf at least through grade eight. Given our own experiences with public education, and the current state of public schools in our area, we’ve ruled out public school as an option. We’ve researched different educational approaches, visited three schools and are leaning toward one. We’ve visited our chosen school four times. A private tour, a winter festival, an open house and a group interview. After the open house, I was up all night, questioning our choice from every angle. It’s a beautiful environment; to all appearances, it produces smart, emotionally balanced kids. Still, questions remain, doubts linger. Do we want to send her someplace where there seems to be a homogeneity of thought and lack of racial diversity? Will the academics be rigorous enough? What if we don’t like her teacher, but are stuck with him/her for eight years? What’s the deal with the unicycles? Overall, we believe this is the right choice for us, but it’s not a perfect choice. We will continue re-evaluate our decision as Nora continues her education.

It seems counter-intuitive, but if a big decision leaves me feeling completely, perfectly comfortable in our choice, I probably need to look deeper. Big decisions are complicated, and if one seems simple, I need to make sure I don’t have blinders on. I foresee many sleepless nights ahead.