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Christmas

The Pregnant Lady’s 12 Days of Christmas

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On the first day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the second day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the third day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Three cups of decaf,

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the fourth day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Four bra extenders,

Three cups of decaf,

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the fifth day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Five colace pills,

Four bra extenders,

Three cups of decaf,

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the sixth day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Six pairs maternity leggings,

Five colace pills,

Four bra extenders,

Three cups of decaf,

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the seventh day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Seven belly bands,

Six pairs maternity leggings,

Five colace pills,

Four bra extenders,

Three cups of decaf,

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the eighth day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Eight pairs of bigger panties,

Seven belly bands,

Six pairs maternity leggings,

Five colace pills,

Four bra extenders,

Three cups of decaf,

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the ninth day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Nine panty-liners,

Eight pairs of bigger panties,

Seven belly bands,

Six pairs maternity leggings,

Five colace pills,

Four bra extenders,

Three cups of decaf,

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the tenth day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Ten prenatal vitamins,

Nine panty-liners,

Eight pairs of bigger panties,

Seven belly bands,

Six pairs maternity leggings,

Five colace pills,

Four bra extenders,

Three cups of decaf,

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the eleventh day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Eleven Tums for heartburn,

Ten prenatal vitamins,

Nine panty-liners,

Eight pairs of bigger panties,

Seven belly bands,

Six pairs maternity leggings,

Five colace pills,

Four bra extenders,

Three cups of decaf,

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the twelfth day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Twelve Tucks pads,

Eleven Tums for heartburn,

Ten prenatal vitamins,

Nine panty-liners,

Eight pairs of bigger panties,

Seven belly bands,

Six pairs maternity leggings,

Five colace pills,

Four bra extenders,

Three cups of decaf,

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

A Penchant for Relocation Appears to be Genetic

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Ben lay in bed with Nora.  It was the guest bedroom of my in-law’s house during Christmas break.  Outside, the ground was blanketed with fresh snow. They were having the type of intimate chat you have with a toddler at bedtime. 

“You know, kiddo, when you’re a grown-up, we’ll still be friends.  Just call me anytime and I’ll come over and help you work on projects and stuff,” he said.

“Well you’re going to have to take a few airplanes to get to my house because I’m going to live in Minnesota,” she retorted.

Yes, Minnesota: where she is showered with gifts and affection every moment, walks about with Christmas cookies in each hand and goes sledding amongst snow-tipped trees.

Sigh.

How could Portland possibly compete?

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

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Nora, should we decorate the Christmas tree?  Okay!  Let’s bring all the boxes down from downstairs and you can hang the ornaments.  Oh, I forgot about all these glass bulbs.  Yes, they are pretty.  Okay, now, the thing is, some of these ornaments are breakable.  See this one?  If it falls on the floor, it will break.   So, be really careful.  Okay, maybe don’t try to hang three at once.  Maybe one at a time with the glass ones.  Really, they will break.  They are breakable.  Yes, they are.  Even though you haven’t broken any yet, they are in fact, ridiculously breakable and will break.  You don’t remember that bulb you broke last year, when you were two?  Of course you don’t.  Your little corpus callosum wasn’t fully formed, making episodic memory storage and retrieval well nigh impossible.  Yes, yes, they are breakable.  Not that I really care about them being broken.  What I’m mainly worried about are your feet.  Little, infinitesimally small shards of the thinnest glass in your soft pink foot skin.  I don’t want glass in your feet. Or my feet.  Or daddy’s.  Or Hoover’s.  Because it would hurt. It’s really hard to clean up all the glass when the glass is thinner than onion skin.  Okay, maybe hang some all around the tree, hanging five ornaments on one branch, well, one might slip and fall to the floor breaking into a gajillion pieces.  Okay.  Nice job!  The tree looks so pretty.  Oh, you want me to hold this?  Okay, are we taking all the ornaments off the tree now?  Okay, maybe just the ones that won’t break.  How about you point to an ornament and we’ll tell you whether or not it’s breakable.  If it’s not breakable, you can take it off and play with it.  Um, that one’s breakable.  Yeah, that one too.  No, that one’s not breakable.  Oh, okay, I can hold that for you.  That’s breakable. Breakable. Breakable.  Not Breakable. Breakable…