The sea of modern baby gear can be quite daunting to the new parent. What is all this stuff actually for? a baffled, gestating couple may ask. I present this primer of common baby gear to assist your transition to parenthood.
Amber teething necklace: A means of allowing your older relatives to question your fitness as a parent because they fear a choking hazard: “You take it off when she sleeps, right?”
Blanket: a swath of fabric you set your baby upon to keep floor filth off of her, until she starts to move, then it’s futile to attempt fending off filth.
Car & infant car seat: depending on the disposition of your infant, this is either a torture device or a means of parental salvation.
Crib: a place to dump clean, unfolded laundry so it won’t get pet hair on it while the baby sleeps in your bed.
Doll, soft bodied, organic cotton with natural wooden teether: an expensive item your baby will ignore in favor of trying to eat paper towels.
Doula Dog: a creature who lives in your house and thinks he could do a better job caring for the baby than you. (“No, no! You’re supposed to lick her butt!”)
Diaper Bag: a semi-permanent receptacle for heavily soiled items because you will forget you put nasty things in there.
H cup: a bra cup size you once thought mythical, but have now attained.
Nasal aspirator: snot sucking technology the hospital sends you home with. Other parents tell you there is a better version that allows you to suck snot using your own mouth without getting a mouthful of baby snot. You will keep meaning to buy it but won’t own it the first time the baby can’t breathe and eat at the same time.
Nursing pillow: a milk-soiled half donut of a stuffed fabric to which you will become unreasonably emotionally attached.
Pacifier: a means of entertainment, this device is self-hiding; when you need a diversion to distract you from a crying baby, you frantically look for it.
Pajamas, footed: a thing you use to mock your baby‘s attempts to keep her feet cold. (see: Socks, baby)
Socks, baby: things your baby uses to mock your attempts to keep her feet warm.
Stroller: a purportedly portable device that requires an advanced degree to fold up and put in the trunk.
Swing, baby: a means of parental salvation; deploy when you finally can’t stand the rotting-milk-and-sweat smell of yourself and decide to take a shower.
Wrap-style baby carrier: an intelligence test administered after birth to see if sleep deprived parents can follow diagrams and wrap a fifteen foot length of fabric around them in a way that won’t lead to the smothering of their baby.