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How to Know if Your Child Loves You – An Age by Age Guide

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0-12 Months: She screams like a banshee if anyone but you attempts to touch her, or if her precious backside touches a crib mattress.

12-24 months: Incessant cries of “Mama!  Mama!” populate your waking minutes. You wear earplugs in the shower to drown out the banging on the bathroom door whenever you feel bold enough to perform your ablutions by yourself. 

2 Years: Your child comes to you for comfort after an injustice you have inflicted on her. Examples: Shampoo in the eyes, vaccinations.

3 Years: The time has arrived when your child will look at you sweetly and say, “Mama, I love you.”

4 Years: Your child now tells you in a milk and honey voice, “Mama, I will never kill you.”

Those of you with older children, help me fill out ages 5 and above.

Flocking Together

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When I got my first two chickens, one of the first things that struck me was how closely they stuck to one another.  They drank at the same time, ate at the same time, scratched around within inches of each other.  It was like they thought they were the same bird.

Ginger and Estelle as Pullets

 One day I was watching their inter-dependence with fascination and suddenly realized the parallel.  There was a little blond child lacing herself with my legs while I stood there.  She never lets me get too far away, her security is dependent on my proximity.  

Unlike chickens, which are flock animals, there will come a time when Nora will not want to be by my side every second, and that is as it should be.  But for now, we’re acting like one bird — and it’s beautiful.

Attachment

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If my daughter were my boyfriend, I would have taken out a restraining order long ago. 

“Your honor,” I would say, “He wants me to do everything for him, I end up with a fat lip or a black eye every few months.   He never wants me to have any alone time.  He’s so bossy and controlling; he won’t even let me go to the bathroom by myself.”  Signed, sealed, delivered.  Don’t come within 1000 feet.

Behavior that would be universally intolerable in an adult is just right for a toddler.  Though sometimes it can feel like too much (particularly when I want to get something done at an adult pace), I know we’ve done something right when Nora can’t get enough of me.  And yes, for the time being, it’s me she wants most.  (I am looking forward to the “Daddy’s girl” phase, so I can take a shower with the door closed.)

To a large degree, we followed the tenets of attachment parenting.  We were into baby wearing, co-sleeping and breastfeeding.  We use positive discipline techniques, we respond to tantrums as compassionately as possible.  Nora knows she is safe with us and that we respect her as an individual.  I love parenting like this.  I am linked to Nora in a way I’ve never been linked to anyone before and I am proud that our parenting approach is designed to do right by her.

This morning, we were in the “family friendly” check-out line at the grocery store.  There was a woman ahead of us with two kids, one little girl a bit older than Nora and a little boy about seven months old.  She was burnt.  She face was without affect.  The only words she spoke to her kids were commands, sit down, stand-up, walk on your own.  All three were miserable. 

In contrast, our family was happy and relaxed.  Nora had memorized part of the grocery list and was sitting in the cart, making sure we remembered everything.  She asked to put her nail polish on the conveyor belt, and I explained that we needed to wait until there was more room in front of us, so she could reach.  She nodded and waited patiently.  When all of the items were unloaded, I plucked her out of the cart and snuggled her while Ben paid the bill.  I gave her the option of walking or being carried to the car, she chose to be carried.  We passed aisles and aisles of tempting goods on the way to the car, she begged for nothing.

I’m not trying to brag about our mad parenting skills, I’m trying to demonstrate the difference in attitude between the Ben and I and the mother in front of us.  Granted, she could just be having a bad day, we’re all entitled to those.    But the message those children were getting was that they were a burden to be dealt with, not people to be respected.  Right now, there are thousands upon thousands of children getting that same message.  My heart breaks, and I reach for my girl.