Mommy's Pen

A writer's notes on family

Decisions that Keep You Up at Night

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Parenting is fraught with big decisions. Some of the thorniest: Work or stay home? Public or private school? Only one child or more?

The night before I returned to work, when my daughter was three months old, I woke up to find myself sobbing. It was a very rough transition. There were a few things that made me feel better. We had found a daycare that was only two blocks from my office, so I could visit Nora and breastfeed her at lunch time. Most helpfully, a friend reminded me that this didn’t have to be a permanent decision. Going back to work now didn’t mean I couldn’t change my mind later. Another comforting thought was that Nora may have an easier adjustment as an infant, rather than if I waited a year and she was used to having me home.

I was lucky to have an understanding employer and some flexibility in my schedule. If we had a grueling, sleepless night, I went in late. If Nora was sick, I stayed home. I went back part-time for the first few months, then worked thirty-six hours a week instead of forty; allowing me to have every Friday off.

It’s hard to say how things would have turned out if we’d made the decision for me to stay home. I know I’ve missed many special moments, and that is the worst of it. But Nora has had some advantages being in daycare since infancy; she is very social, has a strong immune system, and thrives in a routine driven environment. My bond with her is the strongest I have ever known, I don’t feel it’s been weakened by working.

If I had my druthers, I would work part-time. But, we don’t live in perfect world. No one is going to pay me my current wage and benefits for working three days a week. And there’s security to consider. If something happens and my husband can’t work, I won’t be scrambling to find a job with a stale skill set. With two incomes, we can save for education, retirement and emergencies. Reasonable people can disagree on this issue, but every family has to decide for itself.

Right now, we are in the midst of another big decision, and one I thought would be easy. We are in the admissions process for Nora to attend a Waldorf preschool, with the intent of continuing with Waldorf at least through grade eight. Given our own experiences with public education, and the current state of public schools in our area, we’ve ruled out public school as an option. We’ve researched different educational approaches, visited three schools and are leaning toward one. We’ve visited our chosen school four times. A private tour, a winter festival, an open house and a group interview. After the open house, I was up all night, questioning our choice from every angle. It’s a beautiful environment; to all appearances, it produces smart, emotionally balanced kids. Still, questions remain, doubts linger. Do we want to send her someplace where there seems to be a homogeneity of thought and lack of racial diversity? Will the academics be rigorous enough? What if we don’t like her teacher, but are stuck with him/her for eight years? What’s the deal with the unicycles? Overall, we believe this is the right choice for us, but it’s not a perfect choice. We will continue re-evaluate our decision as Nora continues her education.

It seems counter-intuitive, but if a big decision leaves me feeling completely, perfectly comfortable in our choice, I probably need to look deeper. Big decisions are complicated, and if one seems simple, I need to make sure I don’t have blinders on. I foresee many sleepless nights ahead.

Book Review: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

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Lately, I’ve talked to some parents who are disappointed with the way their kids seemed to have turned out. One friend has a son who’s on the brink of divorce from his pregnant wife. Another acquaintance has a son who was just thrown in jail for DUI.

My first thought is, judge your child, if you must, on the adult she is at thirty, not twenty. I was a hot mess at twenty. I was bouncing between jobs, smoking cigarettes and not following through on anything in my life that needed attention. Now, at thirty-three, I’ve got a stable job, a happy home life and I don’t procrastinate, having learned the hard way that procrastination and debt are sure paths to misery.

My second thought is, “Oh dear, how can I keep Nora out of trouble such as this?” I know there are no guarantees, but I’m going to do my darndest to give Nora the tools she needs to become a happy, well adjusted adult, whatever that may look like for her.

One of the best books I’ve found to aid me in this quest is the classic, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Chapter I is called, “Helping Children Deal with their Feelings.” I’ve noticed too much parenting advice that is focused on helping parents cope, rather than children, so this is an approach from a refreshing direction. Practical tips and examples are offered to help your child deal with negative feelings without resorting to negative actions. Solutions often involve less parental input, not more, which is rather a wake-up call. Telling your child what she should be feeling is not helpful, it teaches her that she’s not entitled to her feelings.

Other chapters focus on engaging cooperation, alternatives to punishment, encouraging autonomy, using praise effectively, and freeing children from playing roles. The approach in every case is grounded in maintaining a respectful and loving family dynamic that supports the child’s growth and development. No name calling, no lecturing, no guilt trips. I especially appreciate the cartoons that illustrate common, yet unhelpful, approaches to talking to children and then the recommended techniques on the facing page.

This is a fast read, and one you’ll want to pick up again and again. Most of the techniques in the book can work well for any relationship, not just for parents and children. I found the tips in the “Engaging Cooperation” chapter particularly useful in my marriage. Don’t nag, use one of five techniques. The book uses an example of a wet towel on left on a bed. Here’s an excerpt:

1. Describe what you see or describe the problem: “There’s a wet towel on the bed.”
2. Give Information: “The towel is getting my blanket wet.”
3. Say it with a word: “The towel!”
4. Describe how you feel: “I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed!”
5. Write a note: (above the towel rack): “Please put us back so we can dry. Thanks! Your Towel”

The best part is, if you use the techniques in this books diligently and thoughtfully, you’ll continue building your relationship with your child, rather than watching it deteriorate. Ideally, your child blossom into a happy adult who harbors little parental resentment. Hooray!

Countdown or Meltdown

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Our morning routine goes something like this: my daughter wakes up, gives us a big hug, tells us about her dreams (quite often, she claims to dream of curtains), perches on the counter top while eating breakfast, goes potty, picks an outfit from two choices, brushes her teeth and hair, and comes along while I open the chicken coop door and drop our dog at the neighbor’s house. Then we get in the car and she fastens the top buckle of her carseat and I fasten the bottom. This must all take place in the correct order over roughly the same span of time.

We arrive a few minutes before school opens, so we wait in the lobby of the building with another early bird family. Nora and her friend run in circles, shrieking. Then, when school opens, Nora and I sit on a bench and do a countdown from five, then hop off the bench and run into school. I’ve tried skipping this step; but it’s countdown or meltdown.

We woke up a bit late this morning, so I tried to break the sequence of Nora’s morning routine in an effort to speed things up. I even tried to make up a song about hurrying. She sobbed like crazy and fought the entire process.

Sticking to routines is especially helpful when another person has to lead the child through an activity you normally handle. I was sick a day last week and my husband met with no problems when he brought Nora to school, as she followed her normal, running, screaming, countdown routine.

I just typed the words “why toddlers need routines” into Google and got 3,240,000 hits. So, well documented phenomenon! Suffice it to say, knowing what to expect helps toddlers cope with the frustration of not being in control of much in their lives. Skip routines at your peril.

Playing Along

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I paint my toilet almost everyday. My toddler is in the final stages of potty training. At least once a day she refuses to use the toilet until it’s been painted, “I want an orange potty!”

So, I dip my imaginary paint brush into the bathroom sink and then make brush strokes all over the toilet. Then she climbs up and does her business.

Sometimes, she doesn’t want Dora’s picture on her undies, she wants her friend Otto’s picture. So, I pull my pretend pen from my pocket and draw Otto’s face over Dora’s.

Sometimes, I just want her to get out of the car already. We end up in a power struggle and she cries and screams and I am still in the driveway. It’s best for both of us if I throw her a magic rope so she can climb down herself.

Food

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Last Saturday afternoon I broke with my usual healthy eating habits. I made “pigs in a blanket” from a pack of Hebrew National Hotdogs and a tube of Pillsbury crescent dough. Then I ate four of them. I suffered acute sodium overload. I was a cranky, sad mess until the salt was flushed from my system late Sunday evening. I had no patience for my daughter, blamed my husband for all my problems and sat around crying. It became obvious where I went wrong as my dry mouth prompted me to drain glass after glass of water. I knew I had only myself to blame. Then I thought, “how much of bad parenting and poorly behaved children is attributable to poor eating?”

Lesson: Stick with the whole grains and hummus. Bad food is bad parenting.

What Matters to Moms…Dads

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Here’s what I love about dads: One day, Nora was feeding me fake soup. I told her it was delicious and made lots of “Mmmm, mmmmm,” noises. Then she gave her daddy a taste. He immediately spit it out crying, “Blech, blech!” Nora cracked up laughing and so did I.

When I got pregnant and we started reading every available book and magazine on the subject fo parenting, we were appalled at the lack of positive dad images. Nearly every magazine was directly marketed to mothers, with plenty of articles about how to deal with an inadequate husband/father. It got to the point where if we did see a picture of a dad one of us would shout, “Look out! Get that guy away from that baby!”

There are so many men these days who are engaged with their children like never before. The media is way behind on this one and it’s not doing anyone any good.

Check out this babycenter article about great books actually geared toward dads; what a concept!

Of all the parenting magazines, I think Wondertime does the best job of being dad inclusive. Lots of great articles by fathers, for everyone.