Mommy's Pen – Page 84 – A writer's notes on family

Top Picks: Mommy & Daddy Blogs

February 4, 2010 by sue campbell

The great writing in these blogs affirms my belief that using your children for material is morally justifiable — the world is a richer place when parents can write like this.

Dad Gone Mad He started a blog for the same reason I did, he “wasn’t a writer, but wanted to become one.” And so he did.

Metro Dad A funny, smart, single dad diary.

Stop Pinching Your Sister! (Practical Parenting Tips Based on My Columbia MBA) A very fun look at parenting through the lens of lessons learned in business school. Pretty new, but very promising.

Sperminated: Just Another Mummy Blog Irreverent. Truthful. Love it.

Alpha Mummy From the London Times online.

Best Parent Ever Every post begins, “The Best Parent Ever is better than you because…” Delicious satire.

If you love a blogger, Digg them. If you love a blog that I don’t know about, please tell me about it.

Review: Children's Resale Stores in Portland

February 3, 2010 by sue campbell

I had three bins of baby clothes in Nora’s closet that had been lent out to friends and returned. My toddler had discovered them was attempting to wedge herself into very small clothing on a very regular basis. Time to clean out the closet.

I separated the wheat from the chaff by making a “sell” pile of the good stuff and a “donate” pile of the rest, then started doing research of where to sell.

I’m familiar with three children’s resale shops in the Portland area: Sweet Pea, in Sellwood, We Love Kids (no website) on Fuller Road in Southeast and Bella Stella, in the Hollywood District.

When it came to selling, I was unwilling to go back to Sweet Pea. Their website had no useful information about how or when to sell to them, and a few months ago I hauled in a box of stuff only to be turned away due to lack of appointment. Why bother to have a website if you’re not going to tell people what they need to know about your business? And don’t you rely on people bringing you high quality items to stock your store? Why make it tough on them by accepting items by appointment only?

We Love Kids does not have a website. So I picked up the phone. The owner was very nice. She let me know that she wasn’t making any appointments until March and implied that she had enough people signed up to sell already. She also let me know that she worked on a consignment basis only and sent out checks only every 3 months. This was not pushing my instant gratification button.

Next, I checked online. Bella Stella had a website. It was informative and professional! Everything I needed to know was right there on one page. Best of all, they were actually welcoming me to bring in my items any time during business hours, without an appointment. Bella Stella gives you store credit (no cash) for your items the same day you bring them in. You get half the value of what they believe will be the final selling price of the item. I threw my goods in the car and headed for the Hollywood District.

The store was easy to find (right on Broadway). It was clean and well organized. I was warmly greeted right away by a lovely store employee. I left my stuff with her and browsed while she went through my items. They have a great selection of high-end, gently used clothes. They also have a great selection of brand new, high quality toys from manufacturers like HABA and Melissa and Doug and some new clothes that are locally sourced. You can use your credit for any item in the store. Wheels started turning, when Nora’s birthday comes around, I can cash in her old clothes for a great present!

I had no idea what to expect for the value of my items. I also didn’t really care, I needed to get rid of the stuff and something was better than nothing. The lovely young Bella Stella employee came back and told me that I would get $87.00 in store credit for my items! My jaw almost hit the floor. I may have told her to “shut up,” or “get out.” I walked out with two pairs of high end shoes, a shirt, a pair of tights, a pair of jeans (all used), a brand new sweater (a splurge at $25) and a gift card for my $30 store credit. I fairly floated to the car.

My closets are clean, and my $30 gift card is tucked safely away, waiting for a trip in May for Nora’s 3rd birthday. I am Portland’s happiest cheapskate.

Please feel free to share your stories of experiences with other local resale shops in the comments. I’d love to know how the other local shops measure up. Please note, Bella Stella did not pay me to say nice things. They didn’t have to.

Book Review: Time Out for Parents

February 2, 2010 by sue campbell

Stop for a moment and think about what kind of adulthood you want for your child. The premise of Time-Out for Parents by Cheri Huber and Melinda Guyol is that you must become what you want for your child. Modeling a happy, fulfilled adulthood is the best method of raising happy, fulfilled adults. And to do that, you must take time for yourself, and allow yourself to feel and express all your emotions.

Cheri Huber has been a zen teacher for more than thirty years. Since the use of “time-outs” for children have been in the parental repetoire for about the same length of time, she now has students who equate sit meditation with punishment. Whoops. Probably not what well-meaning parents intended. Time outs are most frequently used when the parent is at a breaking point, so it follows that it’s parents who need a time-out.

Huber and Guyol emphasize that the way you parent is usually the way you were parented, or a conscious decision to not do what your parents did. Either way, it’s not much of a tool kit. Many adults are carrying around baggage related to expressing emotions. The authors ask parents to examine their own attitudes around emotional displays. Certain emotions are “good” and others are “bad.” Parents will go to great lengths to prevent the expression of “bad” emotions in front of their children. The authors warn, “Having a fixed formula of How-I-Have-to-Be is a recipe for failure, and a poor message to give a child.” They go on, “It’s not a particular emotion that is threatening to a child, it’s how the parent feels about expressing the emotion that is frightening to a child.” This statement hit home for me. The other day my husband was really upset about something about accidentally wrecking something that was important to him. In my head, I didn’t want him to express that much emotion about an object in front of our daughter. This is completely off base. It should be okay for Nora to see her daddy genuinely upset, what she doesn’t need is me having bad feelings about his having feelings. We need to talk about our inner process of dealing with feelings with our children. It’s the classic, “all emotions are okay, some actions are not.”

They also introduce a four step process for checking in with yourself during your parental time-out. They recommend finding a quiet place for the following exercise:

1. Be present to your inner self.
2. Accept that you have needs.
3. Attune to what is needed.
4. To the best of your ability, meet the need.

Here’s an analogy from the book that made perfect sense to me: Waiting to express an emotion until you’re on the brink of losing it is like gobbling junk food because you’ve waited too long to eat. It doesn’t make you a bad person, but you’re better off geting in touch with your body and acting sooner next time.

Throughout the book, the authors ask you to stop at various points and look inward. Pay attention to your breath and your body. Identify any emotions that surface as you read.

This book is grounded in zen philosphy. You don’t need to be a buddhist to appreciate the concepts in this book, but the language about looking “inward” and finding our “true selves” can be a turn-off to some. If you hear an inner critical voice when you come to those concepts, I recommend you tell the inner voice to get lost. Keep reading, keep breathing.

A Hard Look at Family Finances

February 1, 2010 by sue campbell

In the last few months, my husband and I have completely reformed our relationship with money. We were not in debt, but experienced a series of unforeseen expenses that drained our emergency fund (meager as it was) to almost nothing. The turning point was an unexpectedly large car repair bill; we realized we were one more emergency away from going into debt. We both work full-time and make a good income, but we had no savings to show for it.

I realized that my spending behaviors were the biggest impediment to our success. Eating out at work, visits to Starbucks, buying way more clothing for my daughter than she could possibly wear. A book here, an iTunes purchase there. I had been turning towards the right path for about a year or so, starting my own savings account, reading Suze Orman books. But as soon as my money market balance would reach a couple hundred dollars, I would plan a weekend trip or go shopping.

After the big car repair, we started looking around the internet for money savings ideas. By far, the best resource we found was the personal finance blog the Simple Dollar. Not only does Trent Hamm offer practical tips on frugality, he is constantly examining the psychological relationship people have with money and offering insights that will forever change your feelings about what money is for. I read it everyday to remind me what we’re doing and why.

We set a goal to eliminate all discretionary spending until had an emergency fund that could cover five months worth of expenses. We trimmed hundreds off our monthly budget by carpooling, cancelling our landline, cancelling Netflix, cancelling our dog’s weekly trip to daycare, getting a better price on car insurance, and cancelling our once per month housecleaner. We each used to get a sum of money on payday to spend as we pleased. No more, we leave our debit cards at home and pack lunches everyday. We paid cash for a cheaper car, sold our more valuable car, and put the money in the bank. We found ways to save energy around our house. We submitted paperwork for our medical and dependent care reimbursement accounts and pulled all our money together in a savings account where it earns a decent interest rate.

In less than two months, using every method at our disposal, we have an emergency fund to cover four months worth of expenses.

Once we reach our goal, we have a prioritized list of spending. Future savings will be earmarked to a specific purpose; some car maintenance, a new computer, new rain gutters for one corner of the house.

My husband and I don’t fight or worry about money anymore. We are proud of what we have accomplished by examining our values and making our spending choices accordingly. We are prepared for the next emergency. Best of all, we’re setting a good example for our daughter.

Plan for Your Vulnerabilties

January 29, 2010 by sue campbell

I want everyone to like me. This means, I am sometimes too nice. I am a push-over. I give my toddler a choice between a red shirt and a blue shirt, she refuses. I offer her a pink dress. Big mistake. My girl is a Taurus. If I don’t develop a spine, that little bull is going to trample me. Then nobody wins.

Thankfully, I am aware of this parental vulnerability. I work to combat it. I read and re-read books and articles on how and why to set limits. (Book Recommendation: No: Why Kids–of All Ages–Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It by David Walsh.) I have asked my husband to tactfully point out when I waffle. In fact, he set a challenge for me today. Nora and I need to be waiting in the daycare parking lot by the time he pulls up to drive us home. Yesterday, I tried to pick my daughter up from school. I didn’t rush her out the door, as she was happily playing and we were waiting for my husband, but when it was time to go, she ignored me. Then my husband came in and we were out the door in about forty-five seconds. He wasn’t mean, there were no tears, only brief resistance. Nora knew he meant business and I didn’t.

Thankfully, my husband’s vulnerabilites and my own are complimentary. If I am the push-over, he leans toward over-enforcement. As long as we are both willing to work on our weaknesses, we are in a perfect position to assist one another. There was one week where it was my job to be the heavy. Whenever he was tempted to correct our daughter, he told me about it, and I had to do it. It was a good exercise for both of us, and allowed him some pure play time with Nora. Afterwards, I was better at enforcing limits and he was able to let go of some rules that weren’t serving us.

It’s worth questioning your default parenting style, and making sure it’s aligned with your parenting goals. If you find an area where you’re vulnerable, take the extra step and make a plan that will strengthen you as a parent.

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