Mommy's Pen

A writer's notes on family

The Best Pooper

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One of my proudest moments as a parent was when my daughter’s teacher told me that Nora was the best eater and the best pooper in class.

Nora was calling bran muffins “cookies” until she was about 18 months old. Some of her favorite foods are olives, hummus, whole wheat bread, broccoli and tuna. She once asked for capers to be added to her casserole.

We never ask Nora to try new foods. If I suspect there may be something she’s reluctant to try, I won’t put any on her plate. I’ll give an ample portion to my husband and myself and nine times out of ten she is jealous of something she doesn’t have and will ask for some. I give her some of what’s on my plate and she feels like a grown-up.

It is not a magic trick to get a toddler to eat well. It’s a matter of consistently offering healthy choices. I’ve noticed that when we do have junk food in the house, it’s all any of us can think about eating. So it’s rare for us to have cookies or ice cream in stock. Often, when Nora asks for a treat, I reach in my pocket and pull out an imaginary piece of candy and tell her it’s pink. Then I give her some apple slices with peanut butter.

Considering that as a child I subsisted on bologna, macaroni and cheese, scrambled eggs and frosting, you’d think karma would dictate that my daughter would be picky. Luckily, this is not the case, and I continue encourage her healthy eating habits. Thankfully, poop is the least of my rewards for the effort.

Saturday Feature: Mistakes – Apple Edition

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Every Saturday I bring you a parenting mistake my husband and I have made. Please have a laugh or cry at our expense — we really are good parents, I swear.

Nora doesn’t get much screen time. We don’t own a television, so besides an occasional episode of Dora at the neighbors, her media exposure is limited to the images on her friends’ diapers and some educational apps on my iPhone.

The other day, I gave Nora my phone so she could play a shape game. Problem was, she was using it standing in the kitchen. On ceramic tile. And she’s two. So she dropped it. On ceramic tile.

I snatched up the beloved device and was greeted with a message telling me I had no sim card. Gasp. All was well again after a restart, but a new rule was made that day. Toddlers must be well rested, in a good mood, have clean, dry hands and be securely seated on a piece of soft furniture while using the iPhone. And wear a wrist tether.

The "I Still Gotta" List

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The “I Still Gotta” list is my name for all the things I must do before getting out the door in the morning or collapsing into bed at night. On a typical weeknight, I have two hours to accomplish the following while a toddler demands my undivided attention: make dinner, make lunches for the next day, clean the kitchen, give my toddler a bath, feed the dog, close the door to the chicken coop, get my toddler ready for bed and take my vitamins. An extra heavy list might include a load of laundry, paying bills, making a weekly menu and shopping list and a trip to the pharmacy.

The list is much smaller than it was just one or two years ago. When Nora was an infant, and I went back to work, the list was enormous. Just the grind of getting the breast pump supplies washed and repacked for the following day was enough to bring me to tears.

I can’t stop the list from running through my head, but I can pare it down to the point where it doesn’t suffocate me.

Things I leave off the weeknight list:

Running any errand that isn’t absolutely necessary for survival
Laundry
Picking up toys
Walking the dog (poor Hoover)
Any cleaning task other than the kitchen
Any outside chores, unless it’s summer and we all spend time in the garden

Two-year-olds love helping, so I have assistance with things like setting the table and loading the dishwasher. She can undress herself and pick out her pajamas. And please don’t think my husband is watching television while all this is going on. He builds lego towers with Nora while I cook dinner, helps with clean-up, and takes turns giving baths. Most importantly, tells me when when I should just sit down.

When I’m feeling really overwhelmed, the weeknight list can be distilled down to two things: eating dinner and storytime. The kitchen stays dirty, the chicken door stays open, no lunches get packed. We read an extra big stack of books while cuddled in bed and let the list rest until morning.

Top Picks: Mommy & Daddy Blogs

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The great writing in these blogs affirms my belief that using your children for material is morally justifiable — the world is a richer place when parents can write like this.

Dad Gone Mad  He started a blog for the same reason I did, he “wasn’t a writer, but wanted to become one.”  And so he did.

Metro Dad A funny, smart, single dad diary.

Stop Pinching Your Sister! (Practical Parenting Tips Based on My Columbia MBA)  A very fun look at parenting through the lens of lessons learned in business school.  Pretty new, but very promising.

Sperminated: Just Another Mummy Blog  Irreverent.  Truthful.  Love it.

Alpha Mummy  From the London Times online. 

Best Parent Ever Every post begins, “The Best Parent Ever is better than you because…”  Delicious satire.

If you love a blogger, Digg them.  If you love a blog that I don’t know about, please tell me about it.

Review: Children's Resale Stores in Portland

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I had three bins of baby clothes in Nora’s closet that had been lent out to friends and returned.  My toddler had discovered them was attempting to wedge herself into very small clothing on a very regular basis.  Time to clean out the closet.

I separated the wheat from the chaff by making a “sell” pile of the good stuff and a “donate” pile of the rest, then started doing research of where to sell.

I’m familiar with three children’s resale shops in the Portland area:  Sweet Pea, in Sellwood, We Love Kids (no website) on Fuller Road in Southeast and Bella Stella, in the Hollywood District. 

When it came to selling, I was unwilling to go back to Sweet Pea.  Their website had no useful information about how or when to sell to them, and a few months ago I hauled in a box of stuff only to be turned away due to lack of appointment.  Why bother to have a website if you’re not going to tell people what they need to know about your business? And don’t you rely on people bringing you high quality items to stock your store?  Why make it tough on them by accepting items by appointment only?

We Love Kids does not have a website.  So I picked up the phone.  The owner was very nice.  She let me know that she wasn’t making any appointments until March and implied that she had enough people signed up to sell already.  She also let me know that she worked on a consignment basis only and sent out checks only every 3 months.  This was not pushing my instant gratification button. 

Next, I checked online. Bella Stella had a website.  It was informative and professional!  Everything I needed to know was right there on one page.  Best of all, they were actually welcoming me to bring in my items any time during business hours, without an appointment.  Bella Stella gives you store credit (no cash) for your items the same day you bring them in.  You get half the value of what they believe will be the final selling price of the item.  I threw my goods in the car and headed for the Hollywood District.

The store was easy to find (right on Broadway).  It was clean and well organized.  I was warmly greeted right away by a lovely store employee.  I left my stuff with her and browsed while she went through my items.  They have a great selection of high-end, gently used clothes.  They also have a great selection of brand new, high quality toys from manufacturers like HABA and Melissa and Doug and some new clothes that are locally sourced.  You can use your credit for any item in the store.  Wheels started turning, when Nora’s birthday comes around, I can cash in her old clothes for a great present!

I had no idea what to expect for the value of my items.  I also didn’t really care, I needed to get rid of the stuff and something was better than nothing.  The lovely young Bella Stella employee came back and told me that I would get $87.00 in store credit for my items!  My jaw almost hit the floor.  I may have told her to “shut up,”  or “get out.”  I walked out with two pairs of high end shoes, a shirt, a pair of  tights, a pair of jeans (all used), a brand new sweater (a splurge at $25) and a gift card for my $30 store credit.  I fairly floated to the car. 

My closets are clean, and my $30 gift card is tucked safely away, waiting for a trip in May for Nora’s 3rd birthday.  I am Portland’s happiest cheapskate.

Please feel free to share your stories of experiences with other local resale shops in the comments.  I’d love to know how the other local shops measure up.  Please note, Bella Stella did not pay me to say nice things.  They didn’t have to.

Book Review: Time Out for Parents

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Stop for a moment and think about what kind of adulthood you want for your child. The premise of Time-Out for Parents by Cheri Huber and Melinda Guyol is that you must become what you want for your child. Modeling a happy, fulfilled adulthood is the best method of raising happy, fulfilled adults. And to do that, you must take time for yourself, and allow yourself to feel and express all your emotions.

Cheri Huber has been a zen teacher for more than thirty years. Since the use of “time-outs” for children have been in the parental repetoire for about the same length of time, she now has students who equate sit meditation with punishment. Whoops. Probably not what well-meaning parents intended. Time outs are most frequently used when the parent is at a breaking point, so it follows that it’s parents who need a time-out.

Huber and Guyol emphasize that the way you parent is usually the way you were parented, or a conscious decision to not do what your parents did. Either way, it’s not much of a tool kit. Many adults are carrying around baggage related to expressing emotions. The authors ask parents to examine their own attitudes around emotional displays. Certain emotions are “good” and others are “bad.” Parents will go to great lengths to prevent the expression of “bad” emotions in front of their children. The authors warn, “Having a fixed formula of How-I-Have-to-Be is a recipe for failure, and a poor message to give a child.” They go on, “It’s not a particular emotion that is threatening to a child, it’s how the parent feels about expressing the emotion that is frightening to a child.” This statement hit home for me. The other day my husband was really upset about something about accidentally wrecking something that was important to him. In my head, I didn’t want him to express that much emotion about an object in front of our daughter. This is completely off base. It should be okay for Nora to see her daddy genuinely upset, what she doesn’t need is me having bad feelings about his having feelings. We need to talk about our inner process of dealing with feelings with our children. It’s the classic, “all emotions are okay, some actions are not.”

They also introduce a four step process for checking in with yourself during your parental time-out. They recommend finding a quiet place for the following exercise:

1. Be present to your inner self.
2. Accept that you have needs.
3. Attune to what is needed.
4. To the best of your ability, meet the need.

Here’s an analogy from the book that made perfect sense to me: Waiting to express an emotion until you’re on the brink of losing it is like gobbling junk food because you’ve waited too long to eat. It doesn’t make you a bad person, but you’re better off geting in touch with your body and acting sooner next time.

Throughout the book, the authors ask you to stop at various points and look inward. Pay attention to your breath and your body. Identify any emotions that surface as you read.

This book is grounded in zen philosphy. You don’t need to be a buddhist to appreciate the concepts in this book, but the language about looking “inward” and finding our “true selves” can be a turn-off to some. If you hear an inner critical voice when you come to those concepts, I recommend you tell the inner voice to get lost. Keep reading, keep breathing.