- Wake you up by puking on you.
- Wake you up by gently and repeatedly kissing you, at 3:30 a.m.
- Sleep on you for 3 hours after being up all night, preventing coffee and peeing.
- Gleefully scatter all the cloth diapers you just washed, folded, stacked and re-committed to using because you don’t want to saddle her generation with landfills full of Huggies.
- Play in the fridge on a hot day and break all the eggs.
- Classic: Discard a banana peel on the floor for you to slip on, further tweaking your back, which is distressed from carrying her everywhere.
- Reach into your mouth and steal food out of it.
- Give you food from her mouth and without taking “no” for an answer.
- Refuse to nurse unless she is simultaneously and mercilessly twisting your free nipple with her sharp little Velocirapter claws.
- Refuse to hold still for Velocirapter claw trimming.
- Send gibberish Facebook messages to your coolest childless Facebook friends.
- Pretend like she’s never even seen a book, much less been read to, when your in-laws are visiting.
- Flash you the “all done” sign in baby sign language the minute her father returns home for the evening and scoops her up. Translation: “You’re dismissed. My fave is here now.”
- Find every stray choke-able object (hair ties, coffee beans) just moments after you’ve “child proofed.”
- Immediately soak through her diaper after you’ve put her in your favorite outfit.
- Dump your tepid coffee onto the couch. Your precious, tepid coffee.
- Pull down your shirt and latch herself to your breast as you walk across the front yard to check the mail.
- Reliably giggle in a manner befitting a viral Youtube video, until you hit ‘record’ or try to show someone. Then, stoneface baby.
- Reliably do ANYTHING until you attempt to record it or show someone.
- Cut teeth.
- Start babbling at the top of her lungs while perched on your hip the moment you get on the phone.
- Create 87 loads of laundry before lunch.
- Suck on your smartphone until it blue screens.
- Take an epic poop seconds before it’s time to leave the house.
- Make you love her unconditionally, despite the fact that she makes every day a literal and emotional obstacle course.
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