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Archives for April 2017

Toddlers Make You Gross

April 21, 2017 by Sue Campbell

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I’m in the shower at the end of a long day of cleaning up puke and snot and nursing a sick toddler. I’m allowing the hot water to run on my stiff lower back while I mindlessly stare at my towel, which is draped over the shower curtain.

After a few moments of this, I notice a piece of lint on the towel is moving.

I lean closer. It’s not lint.

It’s a gross little pale, worm-like insect. No longer than my pinkie fingernail.

I watch, transfixed, for a few moments as it migrates over the rough terry cloth terrain.

Finally, I turn off the water, wrap myself in a different towel and use a tweezers to move the wormy thing to the toilet. I flush, thereby giving this creature a permanent relocation to the sewer system and technically preserving my clean record of not intentionally killing bugs. (Swim, you creepy bastard!)

In the bedroom, I pick up a pair of pajama bottoms from the floor. I’ve only worn them once since they’ve been washed. They’d been on the back of the chair, but the baby likes to sweep everything from the rocking chair onto the floor because TODDLER.

I also put on a t-shirt, which I am less sure about, but whatever. I’m too tired to go downstairs for a clean shirt.

Anxious to absolve myself of responsibility for the wormy towel, I find Ben and begin quizzing him on his towel hygiene methodology.

I insinuate that someone who is not me is responsible for this.

Ben points to my right hip. “Well, you’re the filthy one. What is that?” He starts convulsing with laughter.

“What?” I look down at my light blue pajama bottoms. Something dark red — something that’s both fuzzy and gooey at the same time — is sticking to them.

It is a moldy, half-eaten strawberry.

Apparently, after the toddler sweeps all my semi-clean clothes onto the floor, she spits partially masticated food onto them for good measure.

I start convulsing with laughter and hysterically explain to Ben between gasps, “I knew the shirt was dirty, but I was sure the pants were clean!”

Somebody help me.


This post was lovingly sponsored by my Patreon supporters (you can become one, too!). 

Filed Under: Complete Nonsense

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What kind of blog is this?

This is a blog for PARENTS. True, the writer, Sue Campbell, writes books for kids. But this blog is for grown-ups. It has some swearing and would be super boring for kids. Except for the swearing.

The PODCAST is for KIDS and PARENTS. In fact, my twelve-year-old daughter is my co-host.

If your kids like Sue's books, send them over to suecampbellbooks.com where there's some kid-friendly content. EVEN BETTER, join the mailing list. You get stuff for grown-ups and printable stuff for kids. And sometimes there will be super ill-advised giveaways or coloring contests for free books.

MORE ABOUT SUE: She makes an ACTUAL LIVING from writing words and marketing books and lives with her husband, two daughters, six chickens and one messy house rabbit in Portland, Oregon. And yes, Portland IS that weird. She really couldn't be any luckier.

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