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Archives for July 2016

25 Ways Your Baby Will Punk You

July 26, 2016 by Sue Campbell

 

  1. 13603252_10208620279738361_8591472815211493029_oWake you up by puking on you.
  2. Wake you up by gently and repeatedly kissing you, at 3:30 a.m.
  3. Sleep on you for 3 hours after being up all night, preventing coffee and peeing.
  4. Gleefully scatter all the cloth diapers you just washed, folded, stacked and re-committed to using because you don’t want to saddle her generation with landfills full of Huggies.
  5. Play in the fridge on a hot day and break all the eggs.
  6. Classic: Discard a banana peel on the floor for you to slip on, further tweaking your back, which is distressed from carrying her everywhere.
  7. Reach into your mouth and steal food out of it.
  8. Give you food from her mouth and without taking “no” for an answer.
  9. Refuse to nurse unless she is simultaneously and mercilessly twisting your free nipple with her sharp little Velocirapter claws.
  10. Refuse to hold still for Velocirapter claw trimming.
  11. Send gibberish Facebook messages to your coolest childless Facebook friends.
  12. Pretend like she’s never even seen a book, much less been read to, when your in-laws are visiting.
  13. Flash you the “all done” sign in baby sign language the minute her father returns home for the evening and scoops her up. Translation: “You’re dismissed. My fave is here now.”
  14. Find every stray choke-able object (hair ties, coffee beans) just moments after you’ve “child proofed.”
  15. Immediately soak through her diaper after you’ve put her in your favorite outfit.
  16. Dump your tepid coffee onto the couch. Your precious, tepid coffee.
  17. Pull down your shirt and latch herself to your breast as you walk across the front yard to check the mail.
  18. Reliably giggle in a manner befitting a viral Youtube video, until you hit ‘record’ or try to show someone. Then, stoneface baby.
  19. Reliably do ANYTHING until you attempt to record it or show someone.
  20. Cut teeth.
  21. Start babbling at the top of her lungs while perched on your hip the moment you get on the phone.
  22. Create 87 loads of laundry before lunch.
  23. Suck on your smartphone until it blue screens.
  24. Take an epic poop seconds before it’s time to leave the house.
  25. Make you love her unconditionally, despite the fact that she makes every day a literal and emotional obstacle course.

This post was lovingly sponsored by my Patreon Supporters (you can become one, too!). 

Filed Under: Complete Nonsense

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What kind of blog is this?

This is a blog for PARENTS. True, the writer, Sue Campbell, writes books for kids. But this blog is for grown-ups. It has some swearing and would be super boring for kids. Except for the swearing.

The PODCAST is for KIDS and PARENTS. In fact, my twelve-year-old daughter is my co-host.

If your kids like Sue's books, send them over to suecampbellbooks.com where there's some kid-friendly content. EVEN BETTER, join the mailing list. You get stuff for grown-ups and printable stuff for kids. And sometimes there will be super ill-advised giveaways or coloring contests for free books.

MORE ABOUT SUE: She makes an ACTUAL LIVING from writing words and marketing books and lives with her husband, two daughters, six chickens and one messy house rabbit in Portland, Oregon. And yes, Portland IS that weird. She really couldn't be any luckier.

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