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Archives for November 2015

Modern Baby Gear: A Primer

November 20, 2015 by Sue Campbell

11952732_10206563074069505_170936779316570241_oThe sea of modern baby gear can be quite daunting to the new parent. What is all this stuff actually for? a baffled, gestating couple may ask. I present this primer of common baby gear to assist your transition to parenthood.

Amber teething necklace: A means of allowing your older relatives to question your fitness as a parent because they fear a choking hazard: “You take it off when she sleeps, right?”

Blanket: a swath of fabric you set your baby upon to keep floor filth off of her, until she starts to move, then it’s futile to attempt fending off filth.

Car & infant car seat: depending on the disposition of your infant, this is either a torture device or a means of parental salvation.

Crib: a place to dump clean, unfolded laundry so it won’t get pet hair on it while the baby sleeps in your bed.

Doll, soft bodied, organic cotton with natural wooden teether: an expensive item your baby will ignore in favor of trying to eat paper towels.

Doula Dog: a creature who lives in your house and thinks he could do a better job caring for the baby than you. (“No, no! You’re supposed to lick her butt!”)

Diaper Bag: a semi-permanent receptacle for heavily soiled items because you will forget you put nasty things in there.

H cup: a bra cup size you once thought mythical, but have now attained.

Nasal aspirator: snot sucking technology the hospital sends you home with. Other parents tell you there is a better version that allows you to suck snot using your own mouth without getting a mouthful of baby snot. You will keep meaning to buy it but won’t own it the first time the baby can’t breathe and eat at the same time.

Nursing pillow: a milk-soiled half donut of a stuffed fabric to which you will become unreasonably emotionally attached.

Pacifier: a means of entertainment, this device is self-hiding; when you need a diversion to distract you from a crying baby, you frantically look for it.

Pajamas, footed: a thing you use to mock your baby‘s attempts to keep her feet cold. (see: Socks, baby)

Socks, baby: things your baby uses to mock your attempts to keep her feet warm.

Stroller: a purportedly portable device that requires an advanced degree to fold up and put in the trunk.

Swing, baby: a means of parental salvation; deploy when you finally can’t stand the rotting-milk-and-sweat smell of yourself and decide to take a shower.

Wrap-style baby carrier: an intelligence test administered after birth to see if sleep deprived parents can follow diagrams and wrap a fifteen foot length of fabric around them in a way that won’t lead to the smothering of their baby.

 

Filed Under: Complete Nonsense Tagged With: baby gear, baby!

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What kind of blog is this?

This is a blog for PARENTS. True, the writer, Sue Campbell, writes books for kids. But this blog is for grown-ups. It has some swearing and would be super boring for kids. Except for the swearing.

The PODCAST is for KIDS and PARENTS. In fact, my twelve-year-old daughter is my co-host.

If your kids like Sue's books, send them over to suecampbellbooks.com where there's some kid-friendly content. EVEN BETTER, join the mailing list. You get stuff for grown-ups and printable stuff for kids. And sometimes there will be super ill-advised giveaways or coloring contests for free books.

MORE ABOUT SUE: She makes an ACTUAL LIVING from writing words and marketing books and lives with her husband, two daughters, six chickens and one messy house rabbit in Portland, Oregon. And yes, Portland IS that weird. She really couldn't be any luckier.

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