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Complete Nonsense

Toddlers Make You Gross

April 21, 2017 by Sue Campbell

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I’m in the shower at the end of a long day of cleaning up puke and snot and nursing a sick toddler. I’m allowing the hot water to run on my stiff lower back while I mindlessly stare at my towel, which is draped over the shower curtain.

After a few moments of this, I notice a piece of lint on the towel is moving.

I lean closer. It’s not lint.

It’s a gross little pale, worm-like insect. No longer than my pinkie fingernail.

I watch, transfixed, for a few moments as it migrates over the rough terry cloth terrain.

Finally, I turn off the water, wrap myself in a different towel and use a tweezers to move the wormy thing to the toilet. I flush, thereby giving this creature a permanent relocation to the sewer system and technically preserving my clean record of not intentionally killing bugs. (Swim, you creepy bastard!)

In the bedroom, I pick up a pair of pajama bottoms from the floor. I’ve only worn them once since they’ve been washed. They’d been on the back of the chair, but the baby likes to sweep everything from the rocking chair onto the floor because TODDLER.

I also put on a t-shirt, which I am less sure about, but whatever. I’m too tired to go downstairs for a clean shirt.

Anxious to absolve myself of responsibility for the wormy towel, I find Ben and begin quizzing him on his towel hygiene methodology.

I insinuate that someone who is not me is responsible for this.

Ben points to my right hip. “Well, you’re the filthy one. What is that?” He starts convulsing with laughter.

“What?” I look down at my light blue pajama bottoms. Something dark red — something that’s both fuzzy and gooey at the same time — is sticking to them.

It is a moldy, half-eaten strawberry.

Apparently, after the toddler sweeps all my semi-clean clothes onto the floor, she spits partially masticated food onto them for good measure.

I start convulsing with laughter and hysterically explain to Ben between gasps, “I knew the shirt was dirty, but I was sure the pants were clean!”

Somebody help me.


This post was lovingly sponsored by my Patreon supporters (you can become one, too!). 

Filed Under: Complete Nonsense

25 Ways Your Baby Will Punk You

July 26, 2016 by Sue Campbell

 

  1. 13603252_10208620279738361_8591472815211493029_oWake you up by puking on you.
  2. Wake you up by gently and repeatedly kissing you, at 3:30 a.m.
  3. Sleep on you for 3 hours after being up all night, preventing coffee and peeing.
  4. Gleefully scatter all the cloth diapers you just washed, folded, stacked and re-committed to using because you don’t want to saddle her generation with landfills full of Huggies.
  5. Play in the fridge on a hot day and break all the eggs.
  6. Classic: Discard a banana peel on the floor for you to slip on, further tweaking your back, which is distressed from carrying her everywhere.
  7. Reach into your mouth and steal food out of it.
  8. Give you food from her mouth and without taking “no” for an answer.
  9. Refuse to nurse unless she is simultaneously and mercilessly twisting your free nipple with her sharp little Velocirapter claws.
  10. Refuse to hold still for Velocirapter claw trimming.
  11. Send gibberish Facebook messages to your coolest childless Facebook friends.
  12. Pretend like she’s never even seen a book, much less been read to, when your in-laws are visiting.
  13. Flash you the “all done” sign in baby sign language the minute her father returns home for the evening and scoops her up. Translation: “You’re dismissed. My fave is here now.”
  14. Find every stray choke-able object (hair ties, coffee beans) just moments after you’ve “child proofed.”
  15. Immediately soak through her diaper after you’ve put her in your favorite outfit.
  16. Dump your tepid coffee onto the couch. Your precious, tepid coffee.
  17. Pull down your shirt and latch herself to your breast as you walk across the front yard to check the mail.
  18. Reliably giggle in a manner befitting a viral Youtube video, until you hit ‘record’ or try to show someone. Then, stoneface baby.
  19. Reliably do ANYTHING until you attempt to record it or show someone.
  20. Cut teeth.
  21. Start babbling at the top of her lungs while perched on your hip the moment you get on the phone.
  22. Create 87 loads of laundry before lunch.
  23. Suck on your smartphone until it blue screens.
  24. Take an epic poop seconds before it’s time to leave the house.
  25. Make you love her unconditionally, despite the fact that she makes every day a literal and emotional obstacle course.

This post was lovingly sponsored by my Patreon Supporters (you can become one, too!). 

Filed Under: Complete Nonsense

Modern Baby Gear: A Primer

November 20, 2015 by Sue Campbell

11952732_10206563074069505_170936779316570241_oThe sea of modern baby gear can be quite daunting to the new parent. What is all this stuff actually for? a baffled, gestating couple may ask. I present this primer of common baby gear to assist your transition to parenthood.

Amber teething necklace: A means of allowing your older relatives to question your fitness as a parent because they fear a choking hazard: “You take it off when she sleeps, right?”

Blanket: a swath of fabric you set your baby upon to keep floor filth off of her, until she starts to move, then it’s futile to attempt fending off filth.

Car & infant car seat: depending on the disposition of your infant, this is either a torture device or a means of parental salvation.

Crib: a place to dump clean, unfolded laundry so it won’t get pet hair on it while the baby sleeps in your bed.

Doll, soft bodied, organic cotton with natural wooden teether: an expensive item your baby will ignore in favor of trying to eat paper towels.

Doula Dog: a creature who lives in your house and thinks he could do a better job caring for the baby than you. (“No, no! You’re supposed to lick her butt!”)

Diaper Bag: a semi-permanent receptacle for heavily soiled items because you will forget you put nasty things in there.

H cup: a bra cup size you once thought mythical, but have now attained.

Nasal aspirator: snot sucking technology the hospital sends you home with. Other parents tell you there is a better version that allows you to suck snot using your own mouth without getting a mouthful of baby snot. You will keep meaning to buy it but won’t own it the first time the baby can’t breathe and eat at the same time.

Nursing pillow: a milk-soiled half donut of a stuffed fabric to which you will become unreasonably emotionally attached.

Pacifier: a means of entertainment, this device is self-hiding; when you need a diversion to distract you from a crying baby, you frantically look for it.

Pajamas, footed: a thing you use to mock your baby‘s attempts to keep her feet cold. (see: Socks, baby)

Socks, baby: things your baby uses to mock your attempts to keep her feet warm.

Stroller: a purportedly portable device that requires an advanced degree to fold up and put in the trunk.

Swing, baby: a means of parental salvation; deploy when you finally can’t stand the rotting-milk-and-sweat smell of yourself and decide to take a shower.

Wrap-style baby carrier: an intelligence test administered after birth to see if sleep deprived parents can follow diagrams and wrap a fifteen foot length of fabric around them in a way that won’t lead to the smothering of their baby.

 

Filed Under: Complete Nonsense Tagged With: baby gear, baby!

Wherein I Make a Case to Mother Nature for Long Overdue Gestational Process Improvement

April 1, 2015 by Sue Campbell

Dear Mother Nature,

I am filing this petition on behalf of women who suffer through pregnancy. Surely, you’re aware of my recent suffering. Now that my long ordeal is over, I’ve taken the opportunity to collect some empirical data on the pre-natal versus postpartum state of my person and I’m proposing some changes to current gestational processes. These overdue improvements are designed to maximize comfort and minimize the more troubling aspects of procreation and provide some uniformity of experience for all women, thereby maximizing interest in reproduction, something of obvious interest to yourself.

Data

I’ve organized the data into a side by side comparison of some major well being indicators in the pregnant vs. non-pregnant state.

Well being indicator: Sleep

It’s a well worn cliche that new parents get little sleep. However, I submit that being pregnant is even worse.

Pregnant sleep: As my bladder became smaller and smaller, my stretches of sleep shrank in direct proportion, with no hope of increasing unless I dehydrated or delivered the baby taking up my bladder’s valuable real estate.

Postpartum sleep: Suddenly, I can go for hours without peeing again! Which is great, because I’m likely pinned under a feeding or sleeping baby. I’m still waking in the middle of the night, but for different reasons. And now I have an excuse to wake my partner along with me and take a long whiff of a newborn head.

Well being indicator: Eating

Since eating is necessary to sustain life in both mother and fetus, some barriers to proper eating during pregnancy need to be addressed.

Pregnant eating: The first trimester, I could barely eat from nausea, yet nausea was the only thing that could curb the nausea.  By the third trimester, even applesauce causes heartburn. I needed rest, but lying down caused even more reflux.

Postpartum eating: Breastfeeding provides a blank check to increase my calories by another 200 over the recommended pregnancy levels, heartburn is but a memory, and people will now bring food to my door in one of the best cultural customs ever created: the meal train.

Well being indicator: Exercise

Exercise is recommended for most pregnant women and all non-pregnant women once healing from giving birth has completed.

Pregnant exercise: No data available.

Postpartum exercise: No data available.

Well being indicator: Mental Health and Relationships

Close, healthy relationships are the cornerstone of human existence and crucial to successful raising healthy happy offspring. The data suggests important relationship bonds are compromised with the hormonal and behavioral changes associated with pregnancy.

Pregnant relationships: My gestational state of mind can be easily summed up in the following three words: crazy as fuck. This imposed a considerable burden on my loved ones, who were used to my usually stable, jovial nature.

Postpartum relationships: In my own case, all symptoms of cray, cray resolved within hours of delivery. However, it must be noted that experiences of other women may vary, and sometimes the crazy descends once the baby comes.

Well being indicator: Physical health

Pregnant physical health: My body was a shit-show. Moving from head to toe, the data shows suffering caused by headaches, heartburn, breathing restriction, gas, ass-kicking anemia, back pain, constipation, hip pain, vulvar varicosities, hemorrhoids, bleeding cervical polyps, spider veins, swollen feet.

Postpartum Physical health: Improvements were noted in all areas except lady bits and adjacent areas. Options to address discomfort through basic pharmeceuticals is increased. Long soaks in the tub are also beneficial, with the added advantage of being able to enter and exit the bathtub unassisted.

Proposal

 Given the difficulties associated with gestation that serve as a barrier to procreation, I propose the following as a starting point for discussion by a committee of women appointed by yourself. Invariably, opinions will differ, but I offer my own experience as a catalyst for long overdue change.

Revised gestational phases:

The following offers an abbreviated version of human gestation, with a focus on alleviation of pregnancy related difficulties yet preserving some adversity as a necessary preparation for the travails of parenting:

Conception –> Epidural (optional) –> Pushing/deliver –> Breastfeeding (optional) –> Child rearing.

Please let me know your thoughts as soon as possible. I’m certain I can easily scare up some grant money to address this important biological retooling.

Please note:  A subcommittee to address some basic anatomical changes may be beneficial. Reports show that forcing babies with 25+cm heads through 10cm openings is proving detrimental to lady bits.

Thank you for your attention and rapid action in this matter.

Best,

Sue Campbell

Filed Under: Complete Nonsense

The Pregnant Lady’s 12 Days of Christmas

December 21, 2014 by Sue Campbell

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On the first day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the second day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the third day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Three cups of decaf,

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the fourth day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Four bra extenders,

Three cups of decaf,

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the fifth day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Five colace pills,

Four bra extenders,

Three cups of decaf,

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the sixth day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Six pairs maternity leggings,

Five colace pills,

Four bra extenders,

Three cups of decaf,

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the seventh day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Seven belly bands,

Six pairs maternity leggings,

Five colace pills,

Four bra extenders,

Three cups of decaf,

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the eighth day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Eight pairs of bigger panties,

Seven belly bands,

Six pairs maternity leggings,

Five colace pills,

Four bra extenders,

Three cups of decaf,

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the ninth day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Nine panty-liners,

Eight pairs of bigger panties,

Seven belly bands,

Six pairs maternity leggings,

Five colace pills,

Four bra extenders,

Three cups of decaf,

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the tenth day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Ten prenatal vitamins,

Nine panty-liners,

Eight pairs of bigger panties,

Seven belly bands,

Six pairs maternity leggings,

Five colace pills,

Four bra extenders,

Three cups of decaf,

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the eleventh day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Eleven Tums for heartburn,

Ten prenatal vitamins,

Nine panty-liners,

Eight pairs of bigger panties,

Seven belly bands,

Six pairs maternity leggings,

Five colace pills,

Four bra extenders,

Three cups of decaf,

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

 

On the twelfth day of Christmas

my true love gave to me:

Twelve Tucks pads,

Eleven Tums for heartburn,

Ten prenatal vitamins,

Nine panty-liners,

Eight pairs of bigger panties,

Seven belly bands,

Six pairs maternity leggings,

Five colace pills,

Four bra extenders,

Three cups of decaf,

Two grams of melatonin and

A wedge pillow for under my belly.

Filed Under: Complete Nonsense Tagged With: Christmas, holidays, pregnancy

Dear Santa, I Can’t Stop Thinking About You

August 7, 2013 by Sue Campbell

Today’s guest post brought to you by my six-year-old’s obsession with Christmas, small animals and magic “cases.”

That’s right, it’s August and Nora’s already two revisions deep into her Santa letter…

Dear Santa,

I love you very much. Thank you for my candy wand last year.

I am now six.

I would LOVE a guinea pig and a cage and a parrot. But I want the parrot in a cage, too, please Santa.

And also a quilt and a pillow, a set of bean bags and a very, very humongous trampoline with a big huge net and a staircase so you may climb up. And make sure it’s soap and water proof.

Dear Santa, I really, really love the bed tent you got me last year. I’d really like a big set of bean bags and an instrument room. It’s a big room you can go in and play music in.

And a bunk bed with three levels of height.

And cases you may throw and they turn into whatever you are thinking about and they are disposable once you have thrown them.

Love,

Nora

Filed Under: Complete Nonsense

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What kind of blog is this?

This is a blog for PARENTS. True, the writer, Sue Campbell, writes books for kids. But this blog is for grown-ups. It has some swearing and would be super boring for kids. Except for the swearing.

The PODCAST is for KIDS and PARENTS. In fact, my twelve-year-old daughter is my co-host.

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MORE ABOUT SUE: She makes an ACTUAL LIVING from writing words and marketing books and lives with her husband, two daughters, six chickens and one messy house rabbit in Portland, Oregon. And yes, Portland IS that weird. She really couldn't be any luckier.

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