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Book Review: Time Out for Parents

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Stop for a moment and think about what kind of adulthood you want for your child. The premise of Time-Out for Parents by Cheri Huber and Melinda Guyol is that you must become what you want for your child. Modeling a happy, fulfilled adulthood is the best method of raising happy, fulfilled adults. And to do that, you must take time for yourself, and allow yourself to feel and express all your emotions.

Cheri Huber has been a zen teacher for more than thirty years. Since the use of “time-outs” for children have been in the parental repetoire for about the same length of time, she now has students who equate sit meditation with punishment. Whoops. Probably not what well-meaning parents intended. Time outs are most frequently used when the parent is at a breaking point, so it follows that it’s parents who need a time-out.

Huber and Guyol emphasize that the way you parent is usually the way you were parented, or a conscious decision to not do what your parents did. Either way, it’s not much of a tool kit. Many adults are carrying around baggage related to expressing emotions. The authors ask parents to examine their own attitudes around emotional displays. Certain emotions are “good” and others are “bad.” Parents will go to great lengths to prevent the expression of “bad” emotions in front of their children. The authors warn, “Having a fixed formula of How-I-Have-to-Be is a recipe for failure, and a poor message to give a child.” They go on, “It’s not a particular emotion that is threatening to a child, it’s how the parent feels about expressing the emotion that is frightening to a child.” This statement hit home for me. The other day my husband was really upset about something about accidentally wrecking something that was important to him. In my head, I didn’t want him to express that much emotion about an object in front of our daughter. This is completely off base. It should be okay for Nora to see her daddy genuinely upset, what she doesn’t need is me having bad feelings about his having feelings. We need to talk about our inner process of dealing with feelings with our children. It’s the classic, “all emotions are okay, some actions are not.”

They also introduce a four step process for checking in with yourself during your parental time-out. They recommend finding a quiet place for the following exercise:

1. Be present to your inner self.
2. Accept that you have needs.
3. Attune to what is needed.
4. To the best of your ability, meet the need.

Here’s an analogy from the book that made perfect sense to me: Waiting to express an emotion until you’re on the brink of losing it is like gobbling junk food because you’ve waited too long to eat. It doesn’t make you a bad person, but you’re better off geting in touch with your body and acting sooner next time.

Throughout the book, the authors ask you to stop at various points and look inward. Pay attention to your breath and your body. Identify any emotions that surface as you read.

This book is grounded in zen philosphy. You don’t need to be a buddhist to appreciate the concepts in this book, but the language about looking “inward” and finding our “true selves” can be a turn-off to some. If you hear an inner critical voice when you come to those concepts, I recommend you tell the inner voice to get lost. Keep reading, keep breathing.

Book Review: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

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Lately, I’ve talked to some parents who are disappointed with the way their kids seemed to have turned out. One friend has a son who’s on the brink of divorce from his pregnant wife. Another acquaintance has a son who was just thrown in jail for DUI.

My first thought is, judge your child, if you must, on the adult she is at thirty, not twenty. I was a hot mess at twenty. I was bouncing between jobs, smoking cigarettes and not following through on anything in my life that needed attention. Now, at thirty-three, I’ve got a stable job, a happy home life and I don’t procrastinate, having learned the hard way that procrastination and debt are sure paths to misery.

My second thought is, “Oh dear, how can I keep Nora out of trouble such as this?” I know there are no guarantees, but I’m going to do my darndest to give Nora the tools she needs to become a happy, well adjusted adult, whatever that may look like for her.

One of the best books I’ve found to aid me in this quest is the classic, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Chapter I is called, “Helping Children Deal with their Feelings.” I’ve noticed too much parenting advice that is focused on helping parents cope, rather than children, so this is an approach from a refreshing direction. Practical tips and examples are offered to help your child deal with negative feelings without resorting to negative actions. Solutions often involve less parental input, not more, which is rather a wake-up call. Telling your child what she should be feeling is not helpful, it teaches her that she’s not entitled to her feelings.

Other chapters focus on engaging cooperation, alternatives to punishment, encouraging autonomy, using praise effectively, and freeing children from playing roles. The approach in every case is grounded in maintaining a respectful and loving family dynamic that supports the child’s growth and development. No name calling, no lecturing, no guilt trips. I especially appreciate the cartoons that illustrate common, yet unhelpful, approaches to talking to children and then the recommended techniques on the facing page.

This is a fast read, and one you’ll want to pick up again and again. Most of the techniques in the book can work well for any relationship, not just for parents and children. I found the tips in the “Engaging Cooperation” chapter particularly useful in my marriage. Don’t nag, use one of five techniques. The book uses an example of a wet towel on left on a bed. Here’s an excerpt:

1. Describe what you see or describe the problem: “There’s a wet towel on the bed.”
2. Give Information: “The towel is getting my blanket wet.”
3. Say it with a word: “The towel!”
4. Describe how you feel: “I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed!”
5. Write a note: (above the towel rack): “Please put us back so we can dry. Thanks! Your Towel”

The best part is, if you use the techniques in this books diligently and thoughtfully, you’ll continue building your relationship with your child, rather than watching it deteriorate. Ideally, your child blossom into a happy adult who harbors little parental resentment. Hooray!