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Book Review: NurtureShock (The Lost Hour)

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This post is part of a book review series of NutureShock, by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. Chapter two is “The Lost Hour.”

When I don’t get enough sleep, I tend to do things like put shaving cream in my hair while I’m showering.  When Nora doesn’t get enough sleep, she gets cranky, defiant and wild eyed.

On dark winter evenings, it’s easy to put Nora to bed by 7:30.  This time of year, it takes diligence.  I make dinner and take Nora outside to do some gardening.  Suddenly, it’s seven.  Wind down time should have started a six-thirty.  If we’re not reading stories by seven, she won’t be calm enough to sleep until almost nine.  I can’t let her sleep much later than 5:45 in the morning, or we’ll be late for work.  If bedtime is late, she gets eight and a half hours of sleep instead of nine and a half.

Since I read chapter two of NutureShock, we’ve been ratcheting bedtime back to seven-thirty where it belongs.  I’ll even skip a much needed bathtime in order to get her tucked in on time.  Kids today are getting an hour less sleep on average than we did as kids.  It’s causing attention problems, behavior issues and even obesity (when your body is sleep deprived, it produces cortisol, which causes your body to store fat).  Studies have shown that even fifteen minutes less sleep has measurable effect on academic performance.  An hour less sleep will cause a six grader have the test scores of a fourth grader.

The authors explain that kids sleep differently than adults:

Using newly developed technological and statistical tools, sleep scientists have recently been able to isolate and measure the impact of this single lost hour.  Because children’s brains are a work in progress until the age of 21, and because much of that work is done while a child is asleep, this lost hour appears to have an exponential impact on children that it simply doesn’t have on adults…sleep problems during formative years can cause permanent changes in a child’s brain structure — damage that one that one can’t sleep off like a hangover.

 Studies on sleep in teenagers have pointed out that the surly, depressed young people so common today may actually be sleep deprived, not just hormonal.  High schools who have changed to later start times have seen improvements in test scores and a reduction in the number of car crashes teens are involved in.  Parents report happier teens.

The evidence is absolutely overwhelming.  Anything you can do to ensure your child is well rested improves your child’s quality of life — and yours, too.

On Monday, I’ll review chapter three “Why White Parents Don’t Talk About Race.”

Book Review: NutureShock (The Inverse Power of Praise)

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This post is part of a book review series of NutureShock, by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman.  Chapter I is “The Inverse Power of Praise.”

Nora is smart.  And we’ve gotten in the habit of telling her so.  We need to knock it off, right now.

Turns out, kids who are praised for innate intelligence will go to great lengths to protect their status as a wunderkind, including not even trying if they think they will fail.  What’s more, when they encounter academic difficulty, they experience a crisis of confidence and often conclude that they have been lied to and were never smart to begin with.  They think, if I have to work at this, I must be dumb.

On the other hand, kids who are praised sincerely and specifically for effort, will try harder to master new concepts.

The book offers the work of Carol Dweck as evidence of the “inverse power of praise.”  One of her experiments is centered around offering two types of praise.  A group of children are given a fairly simple IQ test.  Half the children are praised for their intelligence, the other half are praised for their effort.  Then, they are offered their choice one of two tests, one that is fairly easy, and one that is more difficult, but they will learn by trying.  The kids who were told they were smart picked the easier road.  The kids who were praised for effort chose the harder test. 

A third, and quite difficult test was given.  The “smart” kids were miserable, the other kids were spurred on to try harder.  A fourth and final test was given, it was as easy as the first.  The smart kids did worse than they had the first time.  The other kids did markedly better.

The chapter goes on to explain other experiments that confirm Dweck’s conclusions, as well as explain the faulty science that led us to all the praise in the first place.  The author also details his own struggle when he stopped using praise with his son.  Praise of the detrimental type has become ingrained in many parents, and many find it difficult to give up.  The research shows, it’s worth the effort.

On Thursday, I’ll review Chapter II “The Lost Hour.”

Book Review: Nurture Shock (Introduction)

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On the advice of two trusted people, I’ve been meaning to read this book for about six months.  The other day, while snooping around the book store, I cracked open a copy and before I knew it, my lunch hour evaporated.  I was riveted. 

This book is so chock full of fascinating child development revelations, that I’m going to review it as a series, chapter by chapter.

The introduction to the book explores why parental instints are so often wrong.  Our best intentions lead to undesirable results. 

Certainly, we are hard-wired to protect our children, beyond that, things get a bit fuzzy.  Instinct does not translate into wisdom.  And though none of us wants to feel as if we are parenting according to tenets laid out by “experts,” it turns out that science has been accumlating some pretty amazing discoveries about kids, and the data fly in the face of what many parents are doing. 

Think that telling your child he’s smart will build confidence?  Wrong.  Believe that race is a social construct and racism can be defeated by raising children in a diverse setting without any discussion of what it means to be black, asian, white?  Wrong again.  It’s no biggy if you let your kid stay up a bit late a few times a week?  Huge mistake.   Think punishment is the best way to deal with lying?  Nope. 

The best part of this book is the way in which the science is presented, and the aha! moments the authors present you with at every turn.  Suddenly, your parenting tool kit is backed by data, instead of an amalgam of parenting lore and well-intentioned guessing.  Now it all makes sense.

Tomorrow, we’ll look at Chapter I: The Inverse Power of Praise.

Book Review: Time Out for Parents

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Stop for a moment and think about what kind of adulthood you want for your child. The premise of Time-Out for Parents by Cheri Huber and Melinda Guyol is that you must become what you want for your child. Modeling a happy, fulfilled adulthood is the best method of raising happy, fulfilled adults. And to do that, you must take time for yourself, and allow yourself to feel and express all your emotions.

Cheri Huber has been a zen teacher for more than thirty years. Since the use of “time-outs” for children have been in the parental repetoire for about the same length of time, she now has students who equate sit meditation with punishment. Whoops. Probably not what well-meaning parents intended. Time outs are most frequently used when the parent is at a breaking point, so it follows that it’s parents who need a time-out.

Huber and Guyol emphasize that the way you parent is usually the way you were parented, or a conscious decision to not do what your parents did. Either way, it’s not much of a tool kit. Many adults are carrying around baggage related to expressing emotions. The authors ask parents to examine their own attitudes around emotional displays. Certain emotions are “good” and others are “bad.” Parents will go to great lengths to prevent the expression of “bad” emotions in front of their children. The authors warn, “Having a fixed formula of How-I-Have-to-Be is a recipe for failure, and a poor message to give a child.” They go on, “It’s not a particular emotion that is threatening to a child, it’s how the parent feels about expressing the emotion that is frightening to a child.” This statement hit home for me. The other day my husband was really upset about something about accidentally wrecking something that was important to him. In my head, I didn’t want him to express that much emotion about an object in front of our daughter. This is completely off base. It should be okay for Nora to see her daddy genuinely upset, what she doesn’t need is me having bad feelings about his having feelings. We need to talk about our inner process of dealing with feelings with our children. It’s the classic, “all emotions are okay, some actions are not.”

They also introduce a four step process for checking in with yourself during your parental time-out. They recommend finding a quiet place for the following exercise:

1. Be present to your inner self.
2. Accept that you have needs.
3. Attune to what is needed.
4. To the best of your ability, meet the need.

Here’s an analogy from the book that made perfect sense to me: Waiting to express an emotion until you’re on the brink of losing it is like gobbling junk food because you’ve waited too long to eat. It doesn’t make you a bad person, but you’re better off geting in touch with your body and acting sooner next time.

Throughout the book, the authors ask you to stop at various points and look inward. Pay attention to your breath and your body. Identify any emotions that surface as you read.

This book is grounded in zen philosphy. You don’t need to be a buddhist to appreciate the concepts in this book, but the language about looking “inward” and finding our “true selves” can be a turn-off to some. If you hear an inner critical voice when you come to those concepts, I recommend you tell the inner voice to get lost. Keep reading, keep breathing.

Book Review: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

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Lately, I’ve talked to some parents who are disappointed with the way their kids seemed to have turned out. One friend has a son who’s on the brink of divorce from his pregnant wife. Another acquaintance has a son who was just thrown in jail for DUI.

My first thought is, judge your child, if you must, on the adult she is at thirty, not twenty. I was a hot mess at twenty. I was bouncing between jobs, smoking cigarettes and not following through on anything in my life that needed attention. Now, at thirty-three, I’ve got a stable job, a happy home life and I don’t procrastinate, having learned the hard way that procrastination and debt are sure paths to misery.

My second thought is, “Oh dear, how can I keep Nora out of trouble such as this?” I know there are no guarantees, but I’m going to do my darndest to give Nora the tools she needs to become a happy, well adjusted adult, whatever that may look like for her.

One of the best books I’ve found to aid me in this quest is the classic, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Chapter I is called, “Helping Children Deal with their Feelings.” I’ve noticed too much parenting advice that is focused on helping parents cope, rather than children, so this is an approach from a refreshing direction. Practical tips and examples are offered to help your child deal with negative feelings without resorting to negative actions. Solutions often involve less parental input, not more, which is rather a wake-up call. Telling your child what she should be feeling is not helpful, it teaches her that she’s not entitled to her feelings.

Other chapters focus on engaging cooperation, alternatives to punishment, encouraging autonomy, using praise effectively, and freeing children from playing roles. The approach in every case is grounded in maintaining a respectful and loving family dynamic that supports the child’s growth and development. No name calling, no lecturing, no guilt trips. I especially appreciate the cartoons that illustrate common, yet unhelpful, approaches to talking to children and then the recommended techniques on the facing page.

This is a fast read, and one you’ll want to pick up again and again. Most of the techniques in the book can work well for any relationship, not just for parents and children. I found the tips in the “Engaging Cooperation” chapter particularly useful in my marriage. Don’t nag, use one of five techniques. The book uses an example of a wet towel on left on a bed. Here’s an excerpt:

1. Describe what you see or describe the problem: “There’s a wet towel on the bed.”
2. Give Information: “The towel is getting my blanket wet.”
3. Say it with a word: “The towel!”
4. Describe how you feel: “I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed!”
5. Write a note: (above the towel rack): “Please put us back so we can dry. Thanks! Your Towel”

The best part is, if you use the techniques in this books diligently and thoughtfully, you’ll continue building your relationship with your child, rather than watching it deteriorate. Ideally, your child blossom into a happy adult who harbors little parental resentment. Hooray!