Dear Mother Nature,
I am filing this petition on behalf of women who suffer through pregnancy. Surely, you’re aware of my recent suffering. Now that my long ordeal is over, I’ve taken the opportunity to collect some empirical data on the pre-natal versus postpartum state of my person and I’m proposing some changes to current gestational processes. These overdue improvements are designed to maximize comfort and minimize the more troubling aspects of procreation and provide some uniformity of experience for all women, thereby maximizing interest in reproduction, something of obvious interest to yourself.
I’ve organized the data into a side by side comparison of some major well being indicators in the pregnant vs. non-pregnant state.
Well being indicator: Sleep
It’s a well worn cliche that new parents get little sleep. However, I submit that being pregnant is even worse.
Pregnant sleep: As my bladder became smaller and smaller, my stretches of sleep shrank in direct proportion, with no hope of increasing unless I dehydrated or delivered the baby taking up my bladder’s valuable real estate.
Postpartum sleep: Suddenly, I can go for hours without peeing again! Which is great, because I’m likely pinned under a feeding or sleeping baby. I’m still waking in the middle of the night, but for different reasons. And now I have an excuse to wake my partner along with me and take a long whiff of a newborn head.
Well being indicator: Eating
Since eating is necessary to sustain life in both mother and fetus, some barriers to proper eating during pregnancy need to be addressed.
Pregnant eating: The first trimester, I could barely eat from nausea, yet nausea was the only thing that could curb the nausea. By the third trimester, even applesauce causes heartburn. I needed rest, but lying down caused even more reflux.
Postpartum eating: Breastfeeding provides a blank check to increase my calories by another 200 over the recommended pregnancy levels, heartburn is but a memory, and people will now bring food to my door in one of the best cultural customs ever created: the meal train.
Well being indicator: Exercise
Exercise is recommended for most pregnant women and all non-pregnant women once healing from giving birth has completed.
Pregnant exercise: No data available.
Postpartum exercise: No data available.
Well being indicator: Mental Health and Relationships
Close, healthy relationships are the cornerstone of human existence and crucial to successful raising healthy happy offspring. The data suggests important relationship bonds are compromised with the hormonal and behavioral changes associated with pregnancy.
Pregnant relationships: My gestational state of mind can be easily summed up in the following three words: crazy as fuck. This imposed a considerable burden on my loved ones, who were used to my usually stable, jovial nature.
Postpartum relationships: In my own case, all symptoms of cray, cray resolved within hours of delivery. However, it must be noted that experiences of other women may vary, and sometimes the crazy descends once the baby comes.
Well being indicator: Physical health
Pregnant physical health: My body was a shit-show. Moving from head to toe, the data shows suffering caused by headaches, heartburn, breathing restriction, gas, ass-kicking anemia, back pain, constipation, hip pain, vulvar varicosities, hemorrhoids, bleeding cervical polyps, spider veins, swollen feet.
Postpartum Physical health: Improvements were noted in all areas except lady bits and adjacent areas. Options to address discomfort through basic pharmeceuticals is increased. Long soaks in the tub are also beneficial, with the added advantage of being able to enter and exit the bathtub unassisted.
Revised gestational phases:
The following offers an abbreviated version of human gestation, with a focus on alleviation of pregnancy related difficulties yet preserving some adversity as a necessary preparation for the travails of parenting:
Conception –> Epidural (optional) –> Pushing/deliver –> Breastfeeding (optional) –> Child rearing.
Please let me know your thoughts as soon as possible. I’m certain I can easily scare up some grant money to address this important biological retooling.
Please note: A subcommittee to address some basic anatomical changes may be beneficial. Reports show that forcing babies with 25+cm heads through 10cm openings is proving detrimental to lady bits.
Thank you for your attention and rapid action in this matter.